1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
