if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
