I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
