Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize