i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
