Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
