Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
