youre lurking in front of me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
