I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
