She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
