I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
