watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am midnight drunk by noon
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
