Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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