It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
