Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You can't motorboat a personality
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
