that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
