Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
