i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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