I got chris browned last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize