So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
