I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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