True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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