Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
