Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
