I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
