I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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