Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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