my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
