just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize