I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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