im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
