I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
