I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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