anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
