dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize