i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
