News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he was CRYING into my vagina
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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