I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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