oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
