So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
