her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
