I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
