Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
