I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize