mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
