I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
