I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
