If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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