Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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