she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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