Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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