You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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