Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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