and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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