It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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