Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
