Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
