so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
