No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
