Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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