i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
