she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize