I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
