I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
