just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
