my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
