thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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