I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
