so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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