I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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