Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
