There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
